self-knowledge Archives - Connecting the Dots

about Self-compassion: what is that?

In my volunteering with compassionate listening, I have sometimes come across people that are too hard on themselves. They will hate themselves for not improving emotionally immediately, for example. Or they will think they are useless just because they have made one mistake. Does it sound familiar?

I then mention the concept of self-compassion, which I have only recently learned, after reading it in books about Buddhism. Not surprisingly, many people don’t really know what self-compassion really is (and neither did I until 5 years ago!). Many times, the first reaction is not the most positive one.

What self-compassion is NOT

That’s because self-compassion can be confused with a lot of other ‘selfs’ that are not the best attitudes when one decides to do some self-work. Like self-pity, or self-condescendence: these are more the signs of someone that wants to dismiss a problem, or just wallow in their own pain (without trying to improve).

So, even though self-compassion IS a sentiment we direct towards ourselves, it is NOT an egotistic act of allowing ego to go unchecked and do whatever ego likes doing.

The definition of self-compassion

Compassion is the ability to feel for the suffering of others, wether they are considered good or bad, right or wrong. It goes one step further and also encompasses the aspiration to alleviate the other’s suffering. If that is compassion, then self-compassion is the act of acceptance of ourselves as we are, without the judgement, and an aspiration to make our own suffering be softened.

It is important to understand that self-compassion doesn’t mean we are giving up on trying to get it right the next time, but it means we understand we are not getting there through self-flagellation or self-shaming.

So, we give up on the suffering, we realize making ourselves suffer will not make us better people, and we extend compassion to ourselves in our mistakes, but keep our promise to remain strong in our commitment to do it right the next time. I have observed that a lot of the times when someone uses the word self-compassion in psychological context, they sometimes forgets to mention this last part.

What has Impermanence got to do with it?

It seems that us Westerners, we cannot see how can someone be wrong in what they did and at the same time not being punished because they ARE wrong (like ‘intrinsically and immutably’ wrong). We see ourselves as this monolithic thing that IS wrong, and not someone that just presently did something wrong.

obs: Buddhism doesn’t really has the concept of right and wrong, but that’s a long and different conversation….

In fact, in English there is not even a distinction in the verb to BE for something that is transitorily being, from something that IS, like in Latin languages. So, in the Western world, Latin language speakers can at least talk about “SER” and “ESTAR”. Whereas “SER” means something that essentially is, and won’t change; “ESTAR” means something that transitorily is being, and can, at any minute, cease to be.

It is a cognitive handicap that is hard to overcome, and one that definitely challenges the understanding of impermanence in English. And, without the concept of impermanence, it is somewhat harder to understand self-compassion as acknowledging we remain firmly committed to do better next time, but will not self-punish ourselves nonetheless…and maybe that is why it is better to just start by practicing it.

One final but very important note: self-compassion contains an element of wisdom, the recognition of our own common humanity. If the very reason we are trying to improve ourselves is also to be better with our fellow humans, then being harsh on ourselves for making mistakes (and being – you guessed – human) is really not a smart way to start. If we can’t even be accepting of our own mistakes, how will we treat others?

Why is self-compassion so hard?

The majority of our Western culture is based on a punitive God that will not spare those that stray. Not surprisingly, we are prone to believing that if we aren’t blaming and punishing ourselves, we risk moral complacency.

Having born hearing that, it is hard to look from outside and realize that self-punishment simply doesn’t work. Actually, quite the opposite: people become attached to punishment as pleasure.

‘Ok, I’ve got the theory. But how do I DO it?’

Excellent question. The best way is probably by doing short self-compassion meditations. After that, start observing oneself and seeing what are the hangups. And then we can also start working on the hangups.

Practical exercises are the best to understand a somehow vague concept that is also elusive in our culture. We bypass our critical mind and start experiencing it, bit by bit. We also experience the blockages we have, and we learn experientially what is keeping us from practicing it.

I use Insight Timer, the app, to find meditations. It is the largest in terms of users, and library of meditations, and it is also free. Here is the link:

https://insighttimer.com/

After downloading the app, type ‘self-compassion’ in the search to find meditations. You can also filter for time, and find meditations as short as 10 minutes on the theme. This is as much time as you need to spend in the beginning to start practicing it.

After that, it is up to you. You can explore longer meditations, subscribe to courses, visit the links at the end of this article…

If you are the geek kind, you may want to know a LOT more. To do that, I suggest you go to the source: read about the Buddhist origin of the word. Compassion, together with Equanimity, Love and Joy, are the Four Immesurables. I’ve personally learned about it from Ken McLeod’s Wake up to Your Life, written based in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition, but ‘culturally translated’ to us Westerners.

Sources:

Dont take my word for all this, go check the sources and discover even more great stuff!

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_five_myths_of_self_compassion
https://upliftconnect.com/the-art-of-self-compassion/

The author, Dr. Vivek H. Murthy, the 19th Surgeon General of the United States, aims to raise awareness to maybe the largest public health problem the United States faces today, one that is both at the core of other major health problems (from the Opioid Crisis to the increase in suicide rates) and is also surprisingly overlooked: loneliness.

He does that through a tour of all the faces that loneliness presents in our lives, giving a special place to its hidden aspect, in the first Section, and then proceeds, in the Second Section, to present loneliness’ antidote – connection – through a sequence of concentric circles, from the individual to larger and larger groups we belong (family, friends, and outer groups).

To expose all this content, Dr. Murthy chooses the storytelling approach, jumping from one person’s narrative to the next, connecting those that crossed his path in his journey from unawareness of the issue as a shared one, to the discovery of the initiatives that are popping around the country to tackle the problem of a lack of human connectedness.

The book’s main quality may also be its major flaw: it reads as a fluid report of a journey, through the voices and lives of those that were also touched by the challenge of loneliness. It’s a narrative, not a manual. So, maybe my major issue with the book was one of expectations: I was expecting a clear list of practical solutions at the end of the book, or at the end of each chapter. He does provide excellent examples of pioneers that aim to tackle isolation through offering alternative connecting solutions, but due to its narrative style, they are embedded in the body of the narrative and hard to be used as a quick guide.

In retrospect, I think the book does very well what it intended to do, and there is still space for content that enumerates possible solutions to the problem of lack of connectedness in a more straightforward way somewhere else. In fact, it propelled me to start this blog, to provide just that: a report on possible ways to tackle the challenge of the loss of connection in our post-pandemia world, reviewing each of these initiatives, one at a time, in an easy to consult way.

So, if you are here for the same reason I was reading Dr. Murthy’s book – namely, to learn about all possible projects you could potentially try – I encourage you to read the following posts:

If you want to look at a complete list of every community or movement I’ve researched that is doing any of the things I’ve mentioned, you can read the post A complete list of Communities that foster Community;
If you want to deepen the way you connect, read the post How to bring your power of connecting to another level;
If you want to connect more with yourself, in other to better connect with others, read the post Connecting with yourself in order to better connect with others: the How To.